When Work Isn’t Who You Are (and You Still Have to Pay Bills)

The Layoff, the Baby, and the Identity Crisis

I’m not gonna lie, a few months ago, I was really feeling myself. I was working from home, continually in a flow state (not to brag), healthily dreaming up delulu dreams, about to bring my first baby into this world, and I felt really confident about resuming that work and that lifestyle and introduce my daughter to it. Then I had my little girl, had a bit of maternity leave bliss, and then… I got laid off. In that order.

I know I’m not alone in this experience, but what REALLY shocked me was my reaction to this news. While I had boasted about balancing work and play, I suddenly felt a wave of panic:

How do we pay for this new human? How long do I keep my health insurance for? Can we afford our mortgage?

Those delulu vibes flew away with their silly little wings.

All of a sudden, I was forced to not let work define me, even if I didn’t feel like it. But let me tell ya, bestie. I think that was the push I needed: a push off the ledge to see if I could fly alongside those delulu vibes.

Redefining Work and Worth

This forced sabbatical from an official occupation really allowed me to just rest. It seems laughable that I had to be forced to rest, but I DID. My husband, Luke, was just so supportive and amazing, really tapping in and being an incredible teammate, allowing me to enjoy motherhood and give me space and time to do some soul searching.

I discovered something: work is a reality of life. I had to shift my relationship with work. I could enjoy the practice of work without work being my identity.

Cultivating creativity is work. Caring for a little, baby girl is work. Doing laundry is work. Being a good steward of my skills and talents is work.

In theory I knew that my job wasn’t my identity, but I was learning that not having a job was also not my identity.

That realization really shifted how I perceived myself. I could still practice being in a flow state. I could still practice a good work ethic. I could still exert mental and physical energy.

Even without a formal job, I was still worthy of working, without the expectations I was putting on it.

Applying that understanding really became an act of faith. Working became act of faith, when I knew that it could not be me making the provisions that work resulted in happen. Toil and trust.

Balancing means and Meaning

Moving into this new era, I had so much peace, seeing how our every need was being provided for. It allowed me to reorient my way of being in this new relationship with “work.”

I was seeing how cleaning, caring for my daughter, writing, creating— all of it was work worth doing, regardless if there was a paycheck attached. I found myself in a new flow state of sorts: I was finding the cozy in the chaos. I was learning how find rest in this new work and learn to work to bring about a new way of resting. Honestly, I was just embracing slow growth.

While in the honeymoon phase of this relationship, I was EXTREMELY grateful and surprised to be approached by a former mentor who offered me a new opportunity. She presented me with an opportunity to try my hand at being a virtual assistant: basically helping other professional dreamers get things done!

It was kind of a surreal experience joining the workforce once more with this new relationship with work. I feel like I needed those few extra months without an official position. I was able to take on these new tasks as a virtual assistant without feeling the need to take on that moniker as my identity. I was able to add that work to my overall creative flow. That work didn’t have to mean more because I was actually getting paid to do it. And my value didn’t have to change because I all of a sudden got a job.

Now let me tell you, just because I’m writing this all need and tidy in a blog post doesn’t mean that this practice is automatic and easy and steady. Some days, I really feel that flow. Other days, I’m here like, “what am I even doing?” But that in itself is work, and it’s work worth doing.

Sure, only the virtual assistant work and our other means of income are the only channels bringing in actual funds (duh), but the rest of the work has meaning too, just like me. Just like us.

For My Fellow Dreamers Paying Bills and Finding Purpose

Bestie, I hope you know you’re not alone! All of us, the creatives, the corporates, the unemployed girlies, the stay-at-home-parents, the gainfully employed— we all have inherit value and are allowed to dream and dream BIG!

No matter what kind of work we encounter, just know that you deserve to be delulu.

Embrace the tension. Embrace the cozy chaos.

You all are the reason Delulu Co-Op exists! Comment your current season — are you building, resting, or just vibing through the unknown?